As I write this, I’m looking at my RoseCo hair removal device and wondering…

How long does this thing have to sit around in my bathroom drawer – untouched – before my mustache stops growing back?

I’ve used it probably once or twice. If you aren’t familiar with these devices, you have to use them for like a few months or something before they actually start working.

And I’ve convinced myself that I simply have no time to squeeze it into my bathroom routine…

It literally takes 30 seconds (if even).

But somehow I manage to squeeze in time to open a can of Diet Coke eight times a day. 

And I know I’m not the only one who buys a new body lotion before I’ve even used three pumps from the last one. (“This one says it’ll make my butt look nicer, but this one says it has glitter!”)

Why am I sharing this with you, you ask?

I have absolutely no fucking clue.

Switching topics…

How long before a guy learns how to use all-purpose spray?

My boyfriend is very tidy. But the man does not understand that “tidy” and “clean” are two different things. 

Nobody notices that all of the towels, lotions, and toiletries are nicely organized if they’re covered in beard hair and spit.

When he does use spray, it’s almost always the wrong one. It says GLASS cleaner. Is the kitchen table glass? No. 

I swear he does it on purpose – out of spite. Like, “Oh, you’re gonna tell me what to do? Cool. But I won’t let you tell me how to do it.” 

Like if a guy tells a girl to give him a blow job, and she just blasts him with a hair dryer. (Not that I’ve ever done that… or written about it in my journal.)

Long story short: it’s just easier to clean the ass hair off the shower walls myself.

Switching topics…

Key takeaways:

I’ve never used a vibrator. Ever. The idea never appealed to me. I’d have to clean it, hide it from my cats (“That’s not a toy! Well, technically…”), and I’d constantly worry about it getting stuck and having to go to the hospital like one of those embarrassing scenarios on the show ER. 

When my boyfriend first moved in, he was cautious about opening any drawers because he was terrified he’d come across a vibrator or dildo (I’ve never used a dildo either).

So when I finally charged my electric toothbrush, I had to give him a heads-up to not panic: there are multiple settings… 

…and none of them turn me on. 

On that note…

• If you figure out how to stop hair growth by just looking at your hair removal device, let me know.
• Blow your boyfriend with a hair dryer.
• Turn on your electric toothbrush and shove it in your boyfriend’s dresser drawer, and when he walks in, say, “Oops… wrong drawer.”

For more of my thoughts on the topics discussed here today (against your will), check out the video below. 

Also, follow me here or on Instagram… or in your dreams. Just don’t follow me to my house. (You know who you are…)