Cats and dogs love me. 

I don’t say that lightly. I say it heavily drunk (kidding, kidding). 

Seriously though. If someone says, “That guy’s totally flirting with you,” I’m like, “Nah, he’s probably got pink eye and can’t see and doesn’t realize he’s winking.” Or, “You got a promotion, they must really like you at the office,” I’m like, “Nah… my boss probably has pink eye and didn’t realize he was giving the promotion to me…”

But if someone says, “Fluffy really seems to like you,” I’m like, “Oh no… Fluffy loves me.”

I don’t know if it’s because they can sense that I’m a pushover, or they can see that I’m just as desperate for attention as they are (pet-level neediness… yeah, that checks out).

Or maybe – just maybe, dammit – I’m just that doggone (get it?) gorgeous.

Stranger things have happened. (I can’t think of any, but I’m sure someone, somewhere, has pooped out a bumblebee.)

Either way – even if it’s an unhealthy attachment or neediness stemming from some deeply rooted psychological trauma (like being rejected by a puppy as a baby) – it’s one thing I’m very quick to brag about.

And it’s not just animals – it’s toddlers, too. (Not that I’m comparing children to animals or anything… *pink-eye wink*) 

Within 10 minutes of meeting me, they’re cackling and demanding that I pretend to drink their bottle while simultaneously doing somersaults on the hard kitchen floor for the gazillionth time.

Which… is basically me doing tricks on command like a dog. 

Except dogs have self-respect and know how to fake needing to poop outside whenever they need a break from just sitting on demand.

I’m my own worst enemy. When I meet a kid for the first time, I need them to like me. And it’s so easy. But it always entails some sort of physical self-abuse. 

And while I’m sliding around the house on my ass playing the most painful game of tag ever because the kid thinks it’s funny, I’m desperately looking around for someone to give me a break. But the smarter adults have all moved to the porch to drink their cheap wine and watch the dog poop. 

The moral of the story?

• Pink eye is easily confused with being liked.
• Ass-sliding tag is the quickest way to find out how bony your ass is.
• I can finally achieve self-respect by pooping outside.

If you want to learn more about my low self-respect, check out the video below.