My streaming services seem to think that I’m a very sickly person… or that I live a much more extravagant lifestyle than I actually do.

Specifically, Hulu. Which makes no sense, because it’s the streaming service that I use the most and yet knows me the least (unless it knows something that I don’t know).

Let me explain…

We all know that our devices, social media, and streaming services are tracking and eavesdropping on everything we say or search, right? Well, never have I once ever used or even searched the words, “Chevy Silvarado,” “Plaque psoriasis,” “H1C,” or “Every,” “Kiss,” “Begins,” “With,” “Kay”… 

And yet, these seem to be the ONLY ads I get on Hulu.

But I know it still knows me a little bit because it does show me ads for the business that I work for (which also means that it has a rough idea of how much money I don’t make, so it should know that I can’t afford a Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra).

Now, if it were to show me ads for those whose facial hair grows twice as fast as the normal woman’s, then I’d get it. (Albeit I couldn’t watch Hulu with, well… anybody.)

Maybe (mindblowing thought here)… maybe Hulu is actually trying to help me save face. 

Stay with me here…

Just maybe, Hulu knows me so well that it feels bad for me. Like, “Let’s give her ads for diseases she doesn’t have so she can impress her friends with how healthy she looks… and sprinkle in some luxury brands so they think she’s rich. And a little diabetes because, well, nobody’s perfect.”

Woah.

I don’t know if that’s sad or sweet.

Definitely both.

On the topic of products and stuff…

I wear a lot of makeup and shit on my face (because, well… I don’t like my face and I like an artistic challenge). But I just found out most of it is flammable. 

Like if I were a smoker… Let’s just say it would be the ultimate artistic challenge to put makeup on post-Mustafar Anakin Skywalker. 

I mean, “Anna,” “ANA-kin” – we’re basically the same person. (Not that it matters here, but as a Star Wars nerd – had to be said.)

Maybe Hulu should start showing me ads for plastic surgery and facial reconstruction. 

And makeup. Lots and lots of makeup. (Hell, it should be doing that anyway.)

“Flame-proof mascara” – you heard it here first!

Speaking of other sad things about me…

I am a very symmetrical person. 

That’s not to say that my face or body is symmetrical (I wouldn’t need so much makeup if that were the case). My chiropractor says he’s never seen such lopsided shoulders in his life. 

But everything in my control has to be even and balanced. 

I have to have two pictures on either side of my TV. I have to have two candles on each side of the table. I have to have one cat on either side of my body. (Which probably explains the lopsided shoulders… ironic. But it was either a cat on either side of the body or symmetrical shoulders. The cats made that decision for me.)

So as an innocent Catholic homeschooler, when I first heard the term “one-night stand,” I legit cringed. 

How can you possibly have a bedroom with only one nightstand?! It’s symmetrical blasphemy. 

In summary:

• Hulu feels bad for me.
• I should either give up makeup or never have candles on my birthday cake again.
• I will leave anyone who has one nightstand.

Learn more about my uninteresting thoughts on these topics in the video below. Or don’t. It’s fine.