I’ve always considered myself smart-ish… Like I know not to yell at the mailman for delivering scary IRS notices (unless I specifically paid him not to).

I know some things. I can read. I can tell time (based on hunger pains alone). I haven’t joined a cult yet (unless you cats can be cult leaders).

But sometimes I am in complete awe of how I’ve managed to get through life so cluelessly without having developed a dedicated following of bullies and trolls (although maybe I have and I just haven’t noticed yet). 

Like, when a person asks if I have TikTok and I go, “Yeah, it’s 4 o’clock…”

That’s seriously a missed finger-pointing opportunity. (Although I’m never on Facebook, so there very well might be a page called “Interactions with a Dumbass” and I’m the main character.)

Back when I lived in a sketchy neighborhood, sirens were going off all the time, and I just never really paid attention. In my defense, when it’s happening all the time, it just becomes background noise – like the repetitive changes in buzz pitch of an oscillating fan. 

On the other hand, when you have some gunshots sprinkled in there, it’s like if the fan periodically blasted flames –  in which case, some attention may be required…

Fortunately for my cats, I don’t light candles, I don’t have gasoline lying around the apartment, and I do not have an oscillating fan. 

Unfortunately, the obliviousness carries over into basic navigational needs. 

Like driving, for example. 

One time, I was sitting in my little PT Cruiser in a parking lot, talking on the phone for like 20 minutes before I noticed a child coughing dramatically and foaming at the eyes from the smoke coming out of my car. (Maybe the man approaching my car at the red light wasn’t going to ask for money…)

It’s not that I don’t care about what’s going on around me.

It’s just that my brain is usually buffering.

Like when the doctor asks me to “open wide” and I forget that I’m at the dentist and not the gynecologist. (“Um, we don’t have the rinse… or the training… for that.”)

So yeah, if you take nothing else from this post, please take this:

1. If you ever dial 911 and I answer… hang up. (And probably report it to someone.)
2. If you are my dentist… I am so, so sorry.

Watch the video below, where I unpack all of this and more, including the consequences of letting a clueless person watch 90s medical TV shows while living in a sketchy neighborhood.

And if you’re also chronically clueless, just know:

You’re not alone. You just think you are because you haven’t noticed yet that you left the door open.