I feel like I am constantly chasing the “perfect routine.” But unfortunately, my actual routine keeps winning the race.

“Successful people have routines,” they say. Meditation, eating a healthy breakfast, morning walks… 

I have yet to hear about any successful people who clean their ears and bleach their mustache while sitting on the toilet with their cat on their lap. 

Planners these days don’t make it any easier. They have new sections for things like: “What is your purpose?” “Visual Roadmap.” “What are your priorities?” What are your goals?” “If you were a song, what would you be?”

What the hell is the difference between “goals” and “priorities”? 

Like are your goals not priorities? Is it some noun vs. subject, verb vs. adverb type of distinction that I never learned in homeschooling?

I thought putting “drink more water” was a good thing to put under Priorities… but then I found the section called, “Healthy Habits.”

So I moved “drink more water” to Healthy Habits, then went back to Priorities and replaced the word “water” with “alcohol.” (Literally, because I was drinking heavily and some spilled onto the word “water.”)

And then I went to the Goals section and wrote, “Figure out the difference between ‘goals’ and ‘priorities.’”

In any case, I suck at scheduling out my day. I’m either too granular or too broad.

It’s either:

Hear alarm.

Hit snooze. 

Hear alarm.

Snooze again.

Hear alarm. 

Open eyes.

Cuss.

Sit up.

Yawn.

Get out of bed.

Make bed. 

Go to bathroom.

Lift toilet seat.

Pull down pants.

Sit on toilet. 

Wait for cat.

Pee.

Wait 2 minutes to see if any more pee comes out.

Wipe.

Pull up pants.

Brush teeth.

Remember that you forgot to wash hands.

Go back to bedroom.

Search for toenail that went flying from clippers when grooming self last week.

Unmake bed to do so.

Or it’s:

Try again.

I know you’re supposed to drink water first thing in the morning, but the only water I want is the tears of my enemies. Unfortunately, Amazon doesn’t sell those in bulk. (My enemies are terrible people, so they would have awful reviews anyway.)

Meditation is supposed to be a big “successful people” practice. But I can’t seem to master the whole “inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds” thing. Holding my breath for 4 seconds causes me more anxiety than relaxation. (To this day, I still can’t swim.)

I’m either breathing wrong or counting wrong. Probably both.

I’ve tried to follow morning routine videos from influencers, but I don’t think they were made for people who reapply their makeup right before bed for their boyfriend’s sake and consider “flossing” a monthly event. One girl recommended a “five-minute gratitude ritual.” So I tried it. I spent five minutes trying to remember what I’m grateful for besides bacon and being able to squeeze one more shave out of my razor before my body becomes one giant strawberry.

Learn more about my thoughts on routine in the video below.

What does your daily routine look like? Is it as organized as an influencer’s Pinterest board, or do you, too, wake up wondering how a toenail ended up in your ear?

Let’s laugh about it together in the comments.

This is a therapeutic exercise prescribed by ChatGBT.